Movie of the Day

I chose The Old Guard as my third movie to re-tell because firstly I wanted a modern movie i.e. from the 21st century!! and secondly because I thought this was a great action movie. Sure, it hasn't got the greatest reviews, but #1 hubby and I have never let that colour our view of a movie until we watch it ourselves... I liked this movie, so I wanted to share it to you guys. I hope you like it as much as I did.

Let's get one thing straight - I love a good action movie - so I'm probably going to be a bit biased on this one. And I'm also going to admit that I really like watching Charlize Theron in action - what's not to like!! She is a walking goddess - the epitome of the perfect female form. A shout-out to my good mate and fellow steelmaker Pete who taught me the word 'epitome' one dogwatch, during his word-of-the-day phase. It's one of those words you just never forget!

The movie starts with our main characters dead, riddled with bullets - actually quite a gruesome scene to start with. I like it! Great way to start the film Gina Prince-Bythewood!

We see our goddess walking through the back alleys of Morocco, looking over her shoulder cautiously... expectably. A guy on a motorcycle comes up behind her AND… nothing, they're mates.

As they check into a motel, the goddess accidentally photobombs a group of back-packers taking a selfie. Under the guise of being a kind soul, our goddess offers to take their pic, and in the process, deletes the selfie. Why have I taken the time to explain this really boring scene - it's important people!! Why wouldn't a woman who is the epitome - thanks Pete - of godessness want her photo taken? Mull on it people. Mull on it.

Our goddess Charlize Theron, is Andromache of Scythia or Andy. She leads a band of mercenaries:

• Booker - the hunky French warrior from the Napoleonic Wars played by Matthias Schoenaerts
• Nicky - the sultry Italian Nobleman who fought in the Crusades played by Luca Marinelli
• Joe - the striking Middle-Eastern Crusader played by Marwan Kenzari

The group who haven't seen each other for over a year, have gathered because Booker has a job for them - from a repeat source - something that the goddess Andy is against. She laments the fact that it doesn't seem to matter what they do, nothing changes... the world sucks.

We meet the enigmatic Chiwetel Ejiofor whose character is ex-CIA.

**Edit: Ok sorry, my cousin Paul won't understand enigmatic. It means mysterious, inscrutable, perplexing, unknowable. Paul won't understand any of those either**

Andy and Booker meet Chiwetel Ejiofor in a busy, overcrowded marketplace where we learn what the new mission is - Sudanese Militia have abducted 17 girls ages 7-13yrs old - and the USA is officially unable to do anything to help. Andy is shown satellite images, her heartstrings have been pulled - she's in.

The team choppers into South Sudan - decked out in full military gear - and arrive at the heavily fortified compound where the girls are being held, at night. We get to see the expert sniper skills of Nicky when he fucks up the heads of both the guy on the spotlight and the guy on the night-vision goggles with the one bullet. BOOM! Nicky you rock!

Our four heroes cut through the chain fence and systematically - silently - take out the militia one-by-one. When they find the building where the girls are - it must be, the girl's shoes are all piled up outside - it's time to get the explosives out! They BLOW! the door off, descend the stairs and find…

Nothing, the room is empty; the girls aren't there. Chiwetel Ejiofor has fucked them over. But wait...

A spotlight comes on, blinding our four heroes and they are gunned down - nay obliterated by a dozen shooters.

And after our heroes have been checked out to be dead, the shooters stand down and turn away from the bodies; but look closely - we see the pupils of Andy's eyes constrict - from 'fixed and dilated' to normal... she starts to move!

This is why this movie is also classified as a bloody Fantasy Movie - these motherfuckers are coming back to life!!

The camera switches between our heroes as we see them reanimate - bullets are pushed out of their bodies; wounds start to heal. And as they get to their feet, their killers minds are completely blown and - one assumes - unable to complete coherent thought because our four warriors are able to completely DESTROY!! them - completely ANNIHILATE!! them! We get to see why these guys are experts in what they do - and the mastery of their teamwork.

We also see why Andy carries that great big battle-axe - it's a fucking cleaver!!

Before the goddess Andy destroys them, we see that Chiwetel Ejiofor has been watching and recording the ambush via numerous cameras. Back in his office he has a picture of Andy seemingly from the American Civil War - when was that? Did they have camera's back then? I mean seriously, how the fuck would I know.

Our heroes are dejected... they are world-weary. Why do they bother anymore?

Time to meet Nile, played by KiKi Layne - a US soldier in Afghanistan. For the two mins that she's in the movie she's shown to be a kind and compassionate person; respectful, honourable. And then she gets her throat cut and dies. I wonder if she was happy with her two mins? I mean she did a pretty good job... Yeah, I joke!! She's immortal - just like our merry group of four, so she's about to come back to life. Not sure why, but that freaks out her fellow marines for some reason. Baffling!

What's really cool is the way the five of them are linked. Our four warriors are on a train, all of them having a bit of a snooze, and they all dream of Nile and her death. At the same time Nile is dreaming about them, on the train. She is jolted awake and - with relief etched all over her face - she reaches for her throat to find that her wound has healed. Wait, what?

On the train Andy seemingly doesn't want another immortal being - the timing sucks!

The four discuss their shared dream - what info can they glean from each other? As Joe sketches an image of Nile, Andy decides that she'll go grab Nile while the others go to France and search for Chiwetel Ejiofor. And... she just jumps off the moving train. As you do.

So, you remember every good movie where, when something suss happens, people start to burn witches at the stake? This movie could easily have ended up there people, the way that Nile's fellow marines treat her upon learning she is still alive. You'd think they'd be happy. Nope. Fuck it.

Burn her at the stake - I saw that bitch die!

And then our last major player, Dr Steven Merrick played by Harry Melling, a rather odd-looking fellow who perfectly embodies the role of The Mad Scientist. Chiwetel Ejiofor has teamed up with The Mad Scientist in an effort to find the key to end disease and suffering. Chiwetel Ejiofor has provided proof that immortal beings exist - on film. That just isn't good enough for The Mad Scientist - he wants blood and tissue samples i.e. he wants their body's Chiwetel God damn it!! And not just one body. All four. CRAP!!

Back in Afghanistan, Nile has orders to ship-out to Germany - come-on Nile, they want to dissect you! - her bags have been packed and her dog-tags removed. She's a bit pissed off about that - OMFG!! when will she get it through her thick head - she DIED!! She grabs her phone, throws some music on, goes to sit out the back - and then Andy is there! She knocks Nile out - plus a couple of marines because, well... she can - and inexplicably is able to drive off into the desert, in a military vehicle with an unconscious marine in the back. Pesky details just don't matter.

Righto here we go, another stunt double having to jump out of a moving vehicle - this time it's Nile's character. She rolls out the back, gets to her feet and starts to run away from the… from the… I have no idea what to call that fucking vehicle they're in. Is it a Humvee? An armoured vehicle? I mean seriously, who the fuck cares. Whatever it is, Niles does a runner and Andy shoots her in the head.

Shoots her right through the back of her fucking head... Nice.

Nile has a bit of a look at her blood and brains splattered all over the ground and on her shirt - and let's face it she's in the middle of the bloody desert - and decides she best jump back into the - fuck is it a Humvee??

The best way to get to France, and back to the others is in the back of a drug-runners plane. Andy settles down with some Vodka, whilst Nile has a sly look around to see a gun and lock-and-key strapping.

Before falling asleep we learn that there was a time when Andy was worshipped as a god - gives us an indication of how old she possibly is because she actually doesn't know anymore, or at least no one ever says. I'm guessing sometime when the Pharaohs were about, so 5,000 maybe 6,000yrs old...

When she wakes up, Andy finds that the sneaky little marine has used that strapping I mentioned just up there - not last paragraph, but the one before... I can go back and highlight it you want - has locked her wrist up, with Niles now training a gun on the pilot. And as Niles orders the pilot to land this plane, Andy declares that Niles won't shoot the pilot - before saying something in Russian and promptly shooting the pilot herself. FUCK ME! Didn't see that one coming Nile!!

Nothing like the threat of a good plane crash to incentivise you to unlock a restrained captive - only to learn that the pilot was told to play dead, in Russian. Might be a good trick to remember that one...

Righto - everyone likes a good chick fight! Nothing quite like a 6000yo goddess beating the crap out of a 20yo up-start marine. These two belt the absolute crap out of each other. But then Andy kind of gets to a point where she's like - Jesus Christ, really? Aren't we done yet?

And that's when she breaks Nile's arm… and then her leg. Yep.

That's when Nile gets to see her body heal right before her eyes - and she finally accepts that she is in fact immortal.

So, these guys have hideouts stashed across the globe - ready for them to drop into whenever they need... safe-houses. Booker, Joe and Nicky are waiting for Andy and Nile, at one such place - an old church - just outside of Paris. When they get there, whilst chowing down, they start chatting about how they found each other, through their dreams. We learn:

• It used to take years to track each other down
• Booker was the last to be found in 1812
• Joe and Nicky found each other during the Crusades - they fought on opposing sides, killing each other many times!
• Joe and Nicky are the love of each other's lives - I actually knew this before. My bad
• They aren't really immortal - at some point, their wounds just stop healing - they don't know when or why. They talk about the first immortal who died

We see the group sleeping soundly when Nile wakes with a SCREAM!! from a nightmare - she has dreamt of a woman locked in an iron-coffin lying at the bottom of the sea who drowns... only to revive... just to drown and revive, over and over again. Our four heroes have pain etched on their faces - Nile has dreamt of Quynh, Andy's offsider for - who the fuck knows - centuries at a guess. She was the first immortal that Andy had found and they were best buds, travelling the world, fighting battles together. You know, girl stuff.

Andy and Quynh got caught up in the Salem witch trials and when you're immortal it makes it really hard to prove that you're not a witch. So, after trying to kill them both in a variety of many interesting and gruesome ways, they powers-that-be decided to split them up. One was to be burnt at the stake - a popular choice at the time - and the other was strapped into a metal oesophagus and dropped into the ocean. After escaping her capturers, Andy spent decades trying to find Quynh, but she never found her.

Nile and Andy head outside, which is a good thing, because whilst they're having a wee chat about the unfairness of it all, the guys are getting attacked by some heavy-duty soldier/swat type of dudes. When they come back inside, they find Joe and Nicky gone, and Booker eviscerated.

**Edit: Yep, I'm pretty sure my cousin Paul won't know what eviscerated means. It's when someone's had their stomach cut open and their guts are all over the shop. Yep, he'll be right with that**

As Booker waits to heal, Andy heads out telling Nile and Booker to "...wait for my signal…" which is a tad confusing because well, you know, the signal could be anything from a polite toot of a horn to a bomb going off.

All I can say is that for the next few moments we see the goddess at work. Andromache of Scythia, the epitome - thanks Pete - of what it is to be a strong and capable warrior, takes out a complete regiment of men. And Nile keeps asking when they should go?!!

Now in the midst of this, Chiwetel Ejiofor has seen Andy killing all of his men and has decided to high-tail it, with only two of the four immortals in captivity. He knows he'll die if he stays. And yes, I said four immortals. They don't know about Nile yet. Bonus!

And with Andy covered in blood, cars aflame, bodies strewn about them Booker, Nile and the goddess jump into a car and speed away.

We find out what has befallen our other two heroes, Joe and Nicky, chained up and dead in an armoured truck with four guards. Joe is the first to revive and is worried when Nicky is not waking up.

The guards look on in shock as they kiss, before pulling them apart. And as the truck pulls up to an airplane, where Chiwetel Ejiofor is waiting, the doors open to find - that all of those four fuckers are dead! Bummer.

Here's where we're at:

• Joe and Nicky have been taken captive by Chiwetel Ejiofor who has just loaded them onto a plane, and is headed for The Mad Scientist
• Andy, Booker and Nile have just arrived at another secret hide-out of theirs in an abandoned mine - that the goddess found around 1150AD, and where she keeps some of her stuff... you know, what you and I would call antiques. The kind of shit my friend Angela would lose her mind over!
• An awful lot of these paintings and statues are of Andy... I mean - she is the epitome - thanks Pete - of perfection

And whilst Booker is tasked with finding Chiwetel Ejiofor, Chiwetel Ejiofor is delivering Joe and Nicky to The Mad Scientist, who gets a bit too close to Joe and gets head-butted for his troubles.

The Mad Scientist decides to test out their immortality - and I guess is a wee bit pissed off that his nose has just been broken - by stabbing Joe repeatedly with an envelope opener. Just to see his wounds heal right there in front of him.

And with that, Joe and Nicky are tasered and sedated. The next time we see them they are strapped down to hospital beds and are being butchered. But it's in the name of science so... all good.

Back in the cave - look it's a cave AND a mine, you know how these things are - Booker is having trouble finding Chiwetel Ejiofor... he is ex-CIA after all. Andy is impatient, but there's something else… can't quite place it. She has a sore shoulder - why would an immortal being have a sore shoulder? HOLY FUCK! There's blood. From that little skirmish she was in, back at the church.

Some motherfucker stabbed her in the shoulder and it hasn't healed - has Andromache of Scythia lost her immortality?

Whilst Andy throws on a coat and drives into town for medical supplies, Nile and Booker have a D&M about life and love - you know, chit-chat. We learn what haunts Booker - seriously, this man has been sucking on a silver flask all movie... haven't I mentioned this before? My bad. BTW, what's the deal with silver flasks? How are they so small, yet are able to get someone completely plastered... never understood the physics of it. But I digress. Booker has outlived his three sons, or was that four sons - I think I nodded off there for a bit - anyway, the youngest son died of cancer at 42.

We find Andy in the chemist trying to buy medical supplies to fix her stab wound. I say trying because it's obvious this woman has never had to so much as apply a band-aide in her entire life - we're talking 6000 years! So, she gets the lot - enough to supply a small office for the next two years. Seeing just how pitiable our goddess is, the check-out chick offers to help her out - a little bit of paying-it-forward. Shame she didn't give Andy a refund on all those band-aides...

Right, we are back with our tortured Joe and Nicky. And I do mean tortured. We can see that samples have been taken - in fact we see a sample being taken by a bitch doctor from, what a liver? via a very long and thick needle, without anaesthetic. She's one of those fuckers who can justify any atrocity because it's going to heal the world!!

Chiwetel Ejiofor is having a bit of a chat with The Mad Scientist who very kindly explains that the samples that have been taken are "...proprietary data..." and the two men are "...the product," who must stay "...in a vault under lock-and-key... forever." They can't go out into the world and into competitor's labs, now can they?!! Is it me or is he sounding a little bit like Josef Mengele?

The morning finds Andy on the beach, chowing down on her favourite food baklava - a Greek desert for those of us who have no clue - where she is joined by Nile. Andy has Nile's phone, and we get to see some family pics of her mum and brother, and of her father who was killed in action when she was 11yo.

Andy is in a reflective mood - she can't remember what her mother or her sisters looked like. And she has never forgiven herself for giving up the search for Quynh - something she won't be doing for Joe and Nicky. She will be bringing them home - knowing that she is no longer immortal and therefore this mission could be her last. "Whatever it takes."

Our trio head to England where Booker has found the elusive Chiwetel Ejiofor. They've somehow managed to snare themselves an Audi - excellent sponsorship deal by Netflix - and gear up ready to sneak into Chiwetel Ejiofor's home. Ha! Seriously, do people like that sneak! Hang on, hang on - let me fix that. They get their gear on, ready to slip into Chiwetel Ejiofor's home. Yep. Yep. Slip's the right word.

Booker grabs a handgun and hands it to a distracted Andy, who tells him to head out back. Andy hands a machine gun to our rookie Nile who has decided that being a mercenary just isn't her thing, so... no thanks, she'd rather just go home and pretend - she can spend a whole heap of years with her family before they realise that she isn't aging.

So, Andy gives Nile the handgun and the car and lets her go. She races off with the machinegun, meets up with Booker and in they go.

Nile heads away, and as she goes to ditch the car and the weapon's she finds that the handgun - the one that Andy has given her - is empty. When Booker gave it to her, he removed the bullets. Now why would he do that people??

Quickly, back to Andy and Booker who have slinked into Chiwetel Ejiofor's home... and as Andy walks into his living room Chiwetel Ejiofor turns and says:

"Andromache of Scythia - the eternal warrior"

And Booker promptly shoots our goddess in the back thus incapacitating her, not knowing that SHE HAS LOST HER IMMORTALITY. You fucking moron!!!

Ok. We now know why Chiwetel Ejiofor is doing this - actually he may have already mentioned something about his wife having ALS. My bad. Chiwetel Ejiofor's entire living room has been covered with documents, papers, stories, articles, clippings, history - every bit of information, myth or legend he could find on our goddess.

This immortal creature who is lying on the living room floor, bleeding from a bullet wound to the stomach that will not heal itself.

And then Booker, the fucker finally realises that his best friend is still bleeding.

Would it surprise you to learn that at this point, Booker has been double-crossed by our good doctor, The Mad Scientist who waltzes in with a team a thugs, who snatch up both Andy AND Booker. And as Chiwetel Ejiofor finally grow's a conscious and tries to argue that experimenting on an immortal being who is no longer immortal and is thus/therefore a mortal, is indeed murder - he gets knocked out. Bummer.

Andy and Booker are hauled into the lab where Joe and Nicky are being kept. The Mad Scientist instructs the bitch doctor to keep Andy alive, whatever it takes.

I love it! Nicky has thrown down!! Bloodied and strapped down, he words nevertheless menace the wimpy Mad Scientist. Don't go anywhere without your twenty body-guards! I joke, it was only eight.

We return to Chiwetel Ejiofor's house where Nile has just shown up armed with that 9mm, only this time it's loaded - we know this because Nile shoots herself in the foot to show Chiwetel Ejiofor that she is another immortal. A hell of a lot more effective than words.

One of the things that has been consistent throughout this film has been the weariness of Andy. She's had enough… she's been trying over and over and over to help people, to fight in one country's war, to help out another's, but she just can't see how anything her team has done, has done any good. So why bother. And here, on Chiwetel Ejiofor's wall is the proof. Chiwetel show's Nile the impact our goddess has had on the world.

Let's take this movie up another level now people!! Nile and Chiwetel Ejiofor turn up at lab - Nile not only sporting a machine gun or two but made sure to bring the battle-axe. Yeah baby!! And as she 'accidently' gets off the elevator on the wrong floor and slowly brings oh-what-you-mean-this-machine-gun from behind her back, she gets gunned down by three goons. Just like that. WOW!! You big brave men. And then Nile stands up. You be dead now you fuckwits!

Switch to where our four warriors - still strapped to their beds - are having a heated discussion about what kind of a dirt-bag Booker is. Booker tries to explain that Joe and Nicky have had each other throughout the years, whilst all he has had was his grief. Nile bursts in - has a brush-by with The Mad Scientist who now knows there is another immortal and is now in possession of the battle-axe. I love this - Nile just king-hits the bitch doctor, almost like an after-thought; like swatting a fly!

As Nile unties Andy, who needs to be reminded that she promised to never leave anyone behind again "...whatever it takes." And although Booker wants to be left behind, and Joe is happy to leave him, Andy cautions that this is not the time.

My kind of woman!

What comes next is a masterful ballet of killing, carried out in a methodical and dazzling way, like two dancers - well in this instance five dancers - moving as one. It gets pretty fucking gruesome at times people - I won't lie. Give the goddess an axe, any old axe as it turns out, and she will wield it mercilessly, flawlessly.

When they finally make their way to the penthouse where the cowardly Mad Scientist has holed up with the last of his henchmen, Joe takes great delight in beating the absolute crap - and then killing - the head honcho who put a gun in Nicky's mouth and blew his head off, only a few minutes before.

The elevator is heading down - The Mad Scientist is getting away! - so the three guys take to the stairs, leaving Andy and Nile to catch their breath. Our goddess wonders whether she lost her immortality at the very moment when Nile got hers, to perhaps remind her what it feels like to be "... unbreakable, remarkable..." that there are still "...people worth fighting for."

And then BOOM! The Mad Scientist is no fool!! The elevator was a ruse people - he's still in the penthouse, and now he has a gun pointed directly at Andy's head. "Hey Nile, you think he speaks Russian?"

With that Nile turns and 'shoots' Andy who drops and rolls, grabs the battle-axe that the fucker was kindly carrying in his other hand and slams it into his upper shoulder. And just as he tries to shoot her again, Nile blocks his shot, and bull-dozers him out of the penthouse window, carrying him down 15 floors and smashes into a car below. Thank Christ they didn't land on the Audi!

There's still that outstanding matter of Booker's betrayal. Our warriors get together at the local pub for a beer and decide to meet back there in 100years - until then he'll be all alone. It will be the last time that Booker and Andy will ever see each other. Or will it...

Our NEW four head back to Chiwetel Ejiofor's where he shows them their history from the last 150yrs - all that he could find. Andy decrees that Chiwetel Ejiofor is going to help them - that he is going to become the person responsible for keeping their secret.

Bring on the sequel!!!

Hang on, don't roll out the credits just yet. 6mths later Booker, a complete drunk now, stumbles into his room to find someone waiting for him - OMFG if it isn't Quynh! She has escaped her watery sarcophagus and is finally free!!

What does this mean for our band of immortal warriors? Is Quynh a friend or a foe? And what about Andy? If this franchise has a chance of succeeding for - at a minimum - another two action films then these guys need to find a way for our goddess to become immortal again. What do you reckon people - do you think they can pull it off?!!

NOW bring on the sequel!!!

Shout-out to Movie Quotes and More for helping out for the quotes - saved me a heap of time.

My Rating: